Left, left, left, left, left, left, left, le-woah- he is HOT. I almost swiped left accidentally- I slimly escaped one of those really disappointing moments.
So, there he is this handsome face- "Mr Feather Duster, 28, 0.1 miles away from you" !!!!!
I swipe right.
"It's a match!"
I waited for him to talk to me, you know- that coy way of waiting for the man to speak first.
The conversation began with a compliment to me- I'm a sucker for the whole "you're beautiful" thing (I mean, c'mon, which girl isn't!). It swiftly moved from Tinder to Whatsapp. Over the course of the week, our conversation was a combination of interesting, funny and extremely sexual.
I will admit- that one photo led to another... including a sequence of the undressing along with: "I'm about to have a bath"... followed by, "Oooooh, I wish you were in this bath with me..." nonsense. Well, it wasn't nonsense. The conversation was brilliant- there was just the slight issue that he wasn't even in the same country as me at this point.
The conversations that we had fuelled my ever-growing sexual frustration. I wasso so horny.
Mr Feather Duster told me that he would be arriving home on Thursday morning from his holiday- and, would I be free? Yes, it's my day off!! We planned to have lunch together at 2ish, and then go back to his flat for the whole "netflix and chill" / have the hot steamy wonderful yummy sex that I needed ohhhhh so much.
So, two days before I was due to go on my date with Mr Feather Duster- I realised that I was suddenly in a very awkward position. I had got thrush. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I phoned Mia, she went to the chemists on her way home from work and got me the whole kaboodle of Canesten treatments. And two extra large pots of live bio yoghurt. For the next two days I drank water around the clock, and ate so much yoghurt it was unbelievable. I couldn't possibly go on my date with thrush! And I really like this guy- he's so hot... and lovely... and has great chat.... ohhhhhh I HATE MY BODY!!!
I suppose I should point out, I haven't actually been on a "real date" like ever. With my ex we did "date night" when he could be arsed. Which was basically never. And having been with him for seven years... that was hardly a "nice to meet you" kind of date. And before my ex- well, I was very young- and dates didn't really happen- maybe like a walk through the park or something (haha).
So, anyway- back to the story. I had already planned my outfit the night before- sat with Sophie and Mia on Wednesday night (eating yoghurt). We chose out my underwear and my outfit top to toe. Painted my nails. And then I had an early night- afterall, I wouldn't be getting much sleep the next night ;).
Thursday took it's time to arrive, but when it did I was ready. Without the thrush- thank God!
As it was my day off, I went to do a food shop in the morning. Then came back to the house, had a quick last cheeky cigarette (I didn't want Mr Feather Duster to know I smoke as it is so unattractive and I really must quit) and ran myself a lovely bath with loads of bubbles. I relaxed in to the bath- I had timed things perfectly- I had two hours before I needed to meet him. I lie there and soak for a while. Then I get out of the bath, and go to dry my hair.
One of the worst things that could have possibly happened when trying to get ready for a first date: the fucking hair drier fuse blew! And here's me, running around in my towel trying to find a bloody spare fuse- but I can't even find a screwdriver to steal a fuse from another plug! The perils of having no man in the house= no man drawer!!! (I really need to make a man drawer!) At this point I also really want a cigarette- but I resitted temptations! Wet hair and cigarette smoke.... well there is no way of concealing that smell!
Eventually, I gave up on the hunt for a screwdriver/a fuse and gave up on the hairdrier. I was running around the house like a headless chicken with Sophie on the phone in the back pocket of my jeans. I was stressing out. What do I doooooo?! We came up with a plan- she (seriously) suggested I dry my hair in the oven - yes, she is blonde. I, however, decided to dry my hair over an electric heater. Luckily I have recently had a lot of my hair hacked off- which meant this was possible- albeit a serious fire hazard. I managed to dry my hair without singeing it all off.
I then quickly put my face on, at which point I looked at my phone to see a message from Mr Feather Duster telling me that he would be ready when I am- whatttttt, that's like an hour early! No way, you can't say that to a girl on the first date- you said two, I'll be there then!
Finally I am ready, quick last spritz of perfume and reapplied my lippy and out the door. I jump in the car. Radio on, I'm off to Peterson Square. Where I will meet my prince charming for the day. I was super duper nervous- clammy hands and I kept replaying in my mind how I was going to say "hello". I text him once I have parked my car. He tells me to stay where I am and that he will be out in a minute.
Nerves. Ah. I'm texting the whatsapp group I have with Mia and Soph. It was something like this:
'lskghs;dfihgsdfjgs;ifhg i'm here lsdgha;dgsdhg ah, two mins... ahhhhh..... nerves... ahhhhh.
I can see this body coming closer towards me, and I'm certain it's him but I pretend to be extremely engaged with my phone. I don't look up. There he is, right next to me. I had to look up. "Hiya" he says, then he cupped my face with his hands and kissed me. Not just any kiss. A full on. Full frontal snog. With full on HELLO tongues. Woah! I was not expecting this. I mean, most girls won't even give a kiss on a first date (I'm sure that's a myth btw). But he didn't even give me a chance to say hi before he just snogged me- and I mean, it would have been rude not to kiss him back... so I did.
Problem here though, is that his kiss was awfully sloppy, and, well the best way I can describe it, is actually- it was very open mouthed. But, I didn't really allow myself to get too hung up on this. (I suppose I should also tell you that my ex didn't like kissing with tongues- like- hated kissing with tongues- crap, huh?! So even of this kiss was sloppy- it was pretty nice to actually have a real kiss, some proper human contact- first time in a veryyyyyy long time!).
After a short while of kissing, I pull my face back and look him in the eyes (very very dreamy lovely handsome eyes). And I made some form of nervous small talk communication that I can't remember now- probably so embarrassing that my mind has chosen to forget it! We walked round to the place we were going to for lunch, and Mr Feather Duster walked the whole way with his arm around me- the perfect height, my head fitted just perfectly in the right place, you know what I mean.
So we get in to the place we went to for lunch, sit down- and we're both chatting away. Sitting opposite each other. Cute little restaurant. I was looking at the menu- but I just couldn't take in the menu- the words weren't processing in my mind- all I could focus on was the super yummy Mr Feather Duster in front of me. We were talking about everything, family, jobs, life etc........ I couldn't chose what to eat. And I honestly thought to myself, next time I am going to have to read the menu online first so that I know what I fancy!
After we finished, he asked what I wanted to do... and I (yes I know it's "slaggy" but cut this ever so horny girl some slack) suggested that we go straight back to his......
He asked for the bill. Now, you should know, I am a feminist in many ways- but I am also very old fashioned. When the bill arrived, I offered to pay towards it... Without hesitation Mr Feather Duster agreed. This threw me slightly. But never mind. Such is life.
Off we go, back to his- again, his arm around me. I was enjoying human contact. Cuddles. Yay. We got back to his house- which was lovely- and went in to his bedroom. I kicked off my shoes and sat on the bed.
To put it simply, it's safe to say that the windows got steamy pretty quickly. It started as cuddles, and kisses, just lying on the bed. A wee bit of fondling. A lot of sloppiness. And still an increasingly horny Lucy. I needed him. My top came off. Then came the comment on how wonderful my boobs are. The bra came off. Then my boobs received the same sloppy guiseppe treatment as my mouth had done. To be quite honest- I don't think he knew what to do with them!!
He was naked by this point, reasonably sized penis- kind of average in length- maybe slightly on the thinner size of a pleasurable girth. I am lying on my back no top or bra. Trousers and pants still well entact. Next thing you know, he whips them off... and pulls my legs up and hips off the bed... and puts his face between my legs. Just. Like. That. I lie there, for a good long while, while he licked me out. I say licked me out- because, he didn't use his fingers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Once he had done that for a while, we changed around and did 69 for a bit... then followed by sex. Oh my god give me sex.... I was ready to explode.
All until, the sex was shit. And this is where Mr Feather Duster got his name. I hadn't had sex in such a long time- that there were probably cobwebs up there. I was so ready to be properly fucked. correction, I needed to be properly fucked. And, he basically just got rid of the cobwebs for me. No pleasure involved. Sloppy kisses. Sloppy head. Sloppy sex. He got rid of the cobwebs but didn't give me a full service haha. He tried though, bless him.
After this we watched a film, half way through- he got horny again... and I hoped that maybe this time it might be better because it would maybe last longer... nope... still shit. The night went on like this. Film. Sex. Pizza. Sex. And me sitting on his face for prolonged amounts of time, repeatedly. If only he used his fingers too- at least that bit would have been good.
Oh, another thing!!!!! When I was giving him head, you know the whole- playing with the balls thing... well. I have NEVER SEEN SUCH HUGE BALLS IN MY LIFE. and, I am pretty certain he had three testicles. It was quite scary and intimidating. His scrotum was stretched tight over his three testicles that resembled a bag of tennis balls. Ah. ydfknzldfkg.
Eventually we fell asleep, I had work in the morning. And actually- I didn't sleep at all. It was one of those horrible- fully aware of everything around you kind of sleeps. In the morning I got up. Showered (at my own leisure in his house haha, and made myself a cup of tea) then got back in to bed. Sat on his face. Gave him head. Had sex. Got up, washed my face, cleaned my teeth, got dressed. Kissed him goodbye, and left.
Once in the safety of my car, I blocked and deleted his number.
Oh well, at least the cobwebs are gone.
Rate the date: 4/10
The conversation before the date was probably the best part of this experience. Unfortunately his chat in person wasn't nearly as interesting and he had clearly very little experience in the bedroom. I need a much more experienced man to meet my needs. He also really did try to please me.
I will admit- that one photo led to another... including a sequence of the undressing along with: "I'm about to have a bath"... followed by, "Oooooh, I wish you were in this bath with me..." nonsense. Well, it wasn't nonsense. The conversation was brilliant- there was just the slight issue that he wasn't even in the same country as me at this point.
The conversations that we had fuelled my ever-growing sexual frustration. I was
Mr Feather Duster told me that he would be arriving home on Thursday morning from his holiday- and, would I be free? Yes, it's my day off!! We planned to have lunch together at 2ish, and then go back to his flat for the whole "netflix and chill" / have the hot steamy wonderful yummy sex that I needed ohhhhh so much.
So, two days before I was due to go on my date with Mr Feather Duster- I realised that I was suddenly in a very awkward position. I had got thrush. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I phoned Mia, she went to the chemists on her way home from work and got me the whole kaboodle of Canesten treatments. And two extra large pots of live bio yoghurt. For the next two days I drank water around the clock, and ate so much yoghurt it was unbelievable. I couldn't possibly go on my date with thrush! And I really like this guy- he's so hot... and lovely... and has great chat.... ohhhhhh I HATE MY BODY!!!
I suppose I should point out, I haven't actually been on a "real date" like ever. With my ex we did "date night" when he could be arsed. Which was basically never. And having been with him for seven years... that was hardly a "nice to meet you" kind of date. And before my ex- well, I was very young- and dates didn't really happen- maybe like a walk through the park or something (haha).
So, anyway- back to the story. I had already planned my outfit the night before- sat with Sophie and Mia on Wednesday night (eating yoghurt). We chose out my underwear and my outfit top to toe. Painted my nails. And then I had an early night- afterall, I wouldn't be getting much sleep the next night ;).
Thursday took it's time to arrive, but when it did I was ready. Without the thrush- thank God!
As it was my day off, I went to do a food shop in the morning. Then came back to the house, had a quick last cheeky cigarette (I didn't want Mr Feather Duster to know I smoke as it is so unattractive and I really must quit) and ran myself a lovely bath with loads of bubbles. I relaxed in to the bath- I had timed things perfectly- I had two hours before I needed to meet him. I lie there and soak for a while. Then I get out of the bath, and go to dry my hair.
One of the worst things that could have possibly happened when trying to get ready for a first date: the fucking hair drier fuse blew! And here's me, running around in my towel trying to find a bloody spare fuse- but I can't even find a screwdriver to steal a fuse from another plug! The perils of having no man in the house= no man drawer!!! (I really need to make a man drawer!) At this point I also really want a cigarette- but I resitted temptations! Wet hair and cigarette smoke.... well there is no way of concealing that smell!
Eventually, I gave up on the hunt for a screwdriver/a fuse and gave up on the hairdrier. I was running around the house like a headless chicken with Sophie on the phone in the back pocket of my jeans. I was stressing out. What do I doooooo?! We came up with a plan- she (seriously) suggested I dry my hair in the oven - yes, she is blonde. I, however, decided to dry my hair over an electric heater. Luckily I have recently had a lot of my hair hacked off- which meant this was possible- albeit a serious fire hazard. I managed to dry my hair without singeing it all off.
I then quickly put my face on, at which point I looked at my phone to see a message from Mr Feather Duster telling me that he would be ready when I am- whatttttt, that's like an hour early! No way, you can't say that to a girl on the first date- you said two, I'll be there then!
Finally I am ready, quick last spritz of perfume and reapplied my lippy and out the door. I jump in the car. Radio on, I'm off to Peterson Square. Where I will meet my prince charming for the day. I was super duper nervous- clammy hands and I kept replaying in my mind how I was going to say "hello". I text him once I have parked my car. He tells me to stay where I am and that he will be out in a minute.
Nerves. Ah. I'm texting the whatsapp group I have with Mia and Soph. It was something like this:
'lskghs;dfihgsdfjgs;ifhg i'm here lsdgha;dgsdhg ah, two mins... ahhhhh..... nerves... ahhhhh.
I can see this body coming closer towards me, and I'm certain it's him but I pretend to be extremely engaged with my phone. I don't look up. There he is, right next to me. I had to look up. "Hiya" he says, then he cupped my face with his hands and kissed me. Not just any kiss. A full on. Full frontal snog. With full on HELLO tongues. Woah! I was not expecting this. I mean, most girls won't even give a kiss on a first date (I'm sure that's a myth btw). But he didn't even give me a chance to say hi before he just snogged me- and I mean, it would have been rude not to kiss him back... so I did.
Problem here though, is that his kiss was awfully sloppy, and, well the best way I can describe it, is actually- it was very open mouthed. But, I didn't really allow myself to get too hung up on this. (I suppose I should also tell you that my ex didn't like kissing with tongues- like- hated kissing with tongues- crap, huh?! So even of this kiss was sloppy- it was pretty nice to actually have a real kiss, some proper human contact- first time in a veryyyyyy long time!).
After a short while of kissing, I pull my face back and look him in the eyes (very very dreamy lovely handsome eyes). And I made some form of nervous small talk communication that I can't remember now- probably so embarrassing that my mind has chosen to forget it! We walked round to the place we were going to for lunch, and Mr Feather Duster walked the whole way with his arm around me- the perfect height, my head fitted just perfectly in the right place, you know what I mean.
So we get in to the place we went to for lunch, sit down- and we're both chatting away. Sitting opposite each other. Cute little restaurant. I was looking at the menu- but I just couldn't take in the menu- the words weren't processing in my mind- all I could focus on was the super yummy Mr Feather Duster in front of me. We were talking about everything, family, jobs, life etc........ I couldn't chose what to eat. And I honestly thought to myself, next time I am going to have to read the menu online first so that I know what I fancy!
After we finished, he asked what I wanted to do... and I (yes I know it's "slaggy" but cut this ever so horny girl some slack) suggested that we go straight back to his......
He asked for the bill. Now, you should know, I am a feminist in many ways- but I am also very old fashioned. When the bill arrived, I offered to pay towards it... Without hesitation Mr Feather Duster agreed. This threw me slightly. But never mind. Such is life.
Off we go, back to his- again, his arm around me. I was enjoying human contact. Cuddles. Yay. We got back to his house- which was lovely- and went in to his bedroom. I kicked off my shoes and sat on the bed.
To put it simply, it's safe to say that the windows got steamy pretty quickly. It started as cuddles, and kisses, just lying on the bed. A wee bit of fondling. A lot of sloppiness. And still an increasingly horny Lucy. I needed him. My top came off. Then came the comment on how wonderful my boobs are. The bra came off. Then my boobs received the same sloppy guiseppe treatment as my mouth had done. To be quite honest- I don't think he knew what to do with them!!
He was naked by this point, reasonably sized penis- kind of average in length- maybe slightly on the thinner size of a pleasurable girth. I am lying on my back no top or bra. Trousers and pants still well entact. Next thing you know, he whips them off... and pulls my legs up and hips off the bed... and puts his face between my legs. Just. Like. That. I lie there, for a good long while, while he licked me out. I say licked me out- because, he didn't use his fingers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Once he had done that for a while, we changed around and did 69 for a bit... then followed by sex. Oh my god give me sex.... I was ready to explode.
All until, the sex was shit. And this is where Mr Feather Duster got his name. I hadn't had sex in such a long time- that there were probably cobwebs up there. I was so ready to be properly fucked. correction, I needed to be properly fucked. And, he basically just got rid of the cobwebs for me. No pleasure involved. Sloppy kisses. Sloppy head. Sloppy sex. He got rid of the cobwebs but didn't give me a full service haha. He tried though, bless him.
After this we watched a film, half way through- he got horny again... and I hoped that maybe this time it might be better because it would maybe last longer... nope... still shit. The night went on like this. Film. Sex. Pizza. Sex. And me sitting on his face for prolonged amounts of time, repeatedly. If only he used his fingers too- at least that bit would have been good.
Oh, another thing!!!!! When I was giving him head, you know the whole- playing with the balls thing... well. I have NEVER SEEN SUCH HUGE BALLS IN MY LIFE. and, I am pretty certain he had three testicles. It was quite scary and intimidating. His scrotum was stretched tight over his three testicles that resembled a bag of tennis balls. Ah. ydfknzldfkg.
Eventually we fell asleep, I had work in the morning. And actually- I didn't sleep at all. It was one of those horrible- fully aware of everything around you kind of sleeps. In the morning I got up. Showered (at my own leisure in his house haha, and made myself a cup of tea) then got back in to bed. Sat on his face. Gave him head. Had sex. Got up, washed my face, cleaned my teeth, got dressed. Kissed him goodbye, and left.
Once in the safety of my car, I blocked and deleted his number.
Oh well, at least the cobwebs are gone.
Rate the date: 4/10
The conversation before the date was probably the best part of this experience. Unfortunately his chat in person wasn't nearly as interesting and he had clearly very little experience in the bedroom. I need a much more experienced man to meet my needs. He also really did try to please me.
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Lucy xox.
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