I had been speaking to Mr Washing Machine on and off for about two months. From the offset this was one of those- you want sex, I want sex, kind of friendships that developed. A chemistry was evident in our messages, and he claimed he would be able to provide me with the best oral sex I had ever received. Being that my ex was rarely a 'giver', I welcomed this thought, engaged in the sexy chat- and definitely encouraged it.

You know, the whole- 'ooh I want you'- and a picture of yourself just before you jump in the shower... No faces- I'm always careful to hide my face- you never know what might happen with these photos!

So, anyway- conversation continued- he went away with work for a couple of weeks... Over this time, Mr Washing Machine and I arranged that we would definitely meet up, upon his return. We would go for a couple of drinks somewhere- just to be safe and 'meet in a public place'... Plan would be that after the initial, yep we're both humans and not 56" tall monsters thing was established... we would then go back to his and have hot steamy sex/I could sit on his face until the sun comes up.

Well, the first day that this was due to happen- it didn't. His flatmate and girlfriend were in for the night and he 'couldn't be bothered to explain having a girl there'. This didn't disappoint me, as awful as it is to admit it- I didn't need to be explained- I knew there wouldn't be a budding relationship out of this swipe right- just the occasional guaranteed shag. For both of us that is.

So- we'd rearranged our plans for a couple of days later. The night before we confirmed the plans were still on. I went to work- came home, text from him- confirming times etc. I jumped in the shower to have a top to toe deforestation session. Scrubbed up. Slapped some make up and tarty lippy on. Sent him a message to confirm where we were meeting... no reply. Half an hour later... Still nothing. I had kind of realised by this point that this was a no go... but I waited a little longer before I gave up, poured myself a large glass of red wine and put an episode of SITC on.

About 5pm the next day- Mr Washing Machine messaged me to tell me that he had put his phone through the washing machine.



I never replied. Ain't nobody got time for that.

Lucy. xox


Rate the date: 1/10
Even though the date didn't ever occur and stupid Mr Washing Machine was all talk and never followed through with any of his promises- he was a great distraction when I may have chosen to send a message to my ex- I messaged him instead- so thanks for that aha.